Love is a funny word if you think about it. It truly has a definition that one could or might find very hard to comprehend.
1.an intense feeling of deep affection.“babies fill parents with intense feelings of love”
synonyms: deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment; More antonyms: hatred
a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.“it was love at first sight”
synonyms: become infatuated with, give/lose one’s heart to; Moreinformalfall for, be bowled over by, be swept off one’s feet by, develop a crush on“she didn’t mean to fall in love with him”infatuated with, besotted with, enamored of, smitten with, consumed with desire for;captivated by, bewitched by, enthralled by, entranced by, moonstruck by;devoted to, doting on;informalmad/crazy/nuts/wild about“he’s in love with Gillian”
a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.noun: Love
a great interest and pleasure in something.“his love for football”
synonyms: liking of/for,enjoyment of,appreciation of/for,taste for,delight for/in,relish of,passion for,zeal for,appetite for,zest for,enthusiasm for,keenness for,fondness for,soft spot for,weakness for,bent for,proclivity for,inclination for,disposition for,partiality for,predilection for,penchant for“her love for fashion”
affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one’s behalf.
synonyms: best wishes,regards,good wishes,greetings,kind/kindest regards“my mother sends her love”
a formula for ending an affectionate letter.“take care, lots of love, Judy”
So above you see how the internet or a dictionary describes love. It took me a long time to really know when I loved someone apart from my family and friends. I truly love them very much and will always be in their debt for keeping me here.
Keeping me here so I could help others. Help others learn and persevere like I have. I really want to make a difference for other people in any small way possible.
I feel strongly about this as I have been sick a long time and felt at times I had no one.. I was all alone in this as it was so hard for me to explain it. So hard to elt anyone in, so hard to tell people. to tell them how bad I felt. This mental illness is truly the worst pain I have ever felt. And I have felt pain.
I have played sports and been somewhat healthy my whole life. Or so I thought.
I have lived, I have partied. I have made tons of friends along the way. I have travelled. I have moved. I have went to school. . I have done it all It hopes that this pain would leave me. But It hasn’t it has stuck with me.
Now this is about Love. Can Love change that? And if it truly can how do you know what the right love is? Is it simple. Should it be simple?
These are all questions that I do not know the answers to. But I wish to explore them. To learn. I want to know why I can not seem to stay in love. Can’t let someone in? Or is it them who cant let me in? I don’t know.
Tonight I am truly flabbergasted. I thought I knew it all. But this Love business is hard. Can you love someone so much it truly hurts your heart. And you don’t think there is anything you could do to hurt this person. Is it possibly to feel that love for more then one.? I really don’t think it is. But I just cant put my finger on why I feel so strongly about this.
Little things set this off for me today. Just little comments, words, and things that really made me feel sad. Can someone really understand me? and what I am going through? If they wont learn? If they wont go see someone with me? If they want to be oblivious? And just pretend everything is okay?
Now I am not saying this about one person in particular. I am saying this in a broad sense. As in everyone around me who claims to love me and want to help me but don’t want to know the nasty dark periods of me Can you really love someone if you cant love all of them?
And I know what your thinking. And its not true. I love everyone in my life so much. I just think I might love to easily at times. I think I might give my heart away where it is not deserved and it turn get beat down. And thrown away. Like my love was not good enough for them. Why do I do this? Is it the need to be loved to have that attention. to have someone want me as much as I want them. I just want someone to make me feel good and care about me.
I feel like I have that in so many places right now. So why do I feel so alone right now? My body says one thing and my mind the complete opposite. Its like a rollercoaster of emotions. And I know a lot of you have felt this feeling many times. And today just happened to happen.
I need to know why and how I can make it stop. So I read, So I learn, So I will figure this out. I will make sure I know. I will make sure I discover the true meaning of Love. I want to make sure I am satisfied with all aspects of love in relationships and in family and in friends and in life.
You truly need to find love in all these things to cure you of the demons, the hatred, the frustration. the passion you feel. You need to be okay with yourself first before you can really be okay with anyone or everyone else. Is this true? Or is this something I read on the internet some where and am just starting to think is true?
I can’t decipher what is true or not right now? Why can’t these thoughts leave me. Why is this bugging me so much today? Why did I cry for two hours when I feel like I should be happy? Why?
These questions are baffling me. They are truly hurting my heart. And threatening to tear it up. To break it once again. And I don’t think I can do that again. I don’t think I can handle another broken heart.
I have had two or three and they were the worst parts of me. The hardest times for me. They almost killed me. If that makes sense.
To love some one so deeply and then to loose them is truly one of the most painful experiences you will ever have. To let someone in all the way and be exposed is so hard to do. And when I have the few times I have been shut done or put aside for something better. I have been hurt to many times.
I don’t think I can handle another. I just want to feel like I am the only one. The most important one. And most of all I want to feel GOOD and Happy and proud.
Proud to be someones only one. Proud to be with them always. Proud to say I am taken.
I want to feel all of this.
I feel like I have this. I feel like I have found this.
But then my mind speaks up and tells me to be careful. To keep your heart closed . That it is not ready to love that way yet. That things are not always what you think. That you need certain things in YOUR life ( being mine) that if you don’t have it wont be fulfilled. Things you never thought you wanted but now you do. Things that need to be said.
Things that need to be heard before you can move forward. I cannot keep quiet I cannot keep this in. I need to Scream. I need to Shout. I need to let all these feelings out.
I will not be told. I will not shut up. I will be heard!. I will love!
And I will be Some one’s “ONE!”
Until Next Time,